When gratitude becomes annoying

Gratitude is one of the fundamental principles of mindfulness practice, but what if being grateful makes our blood boil?

It’s all about timing.

Whilst writing my ‘about me’ page on my website and trying to convey the heart of what my business Lemonkind Mindfulness is about, I realised that this sense of gratitude has been a core family mantra from a young age. Our mother would always encourage us to find the best in things, so much so that she chose her funeral song to be Monty Python’s  ‘Always look on the bright side of life’, a testament to her fierce resilience and peace she found with gratitude. This has remained with me and still makes me smile today. However I have since come to realise how this natural, positive perspective I spin can be annoying at times to many of my close friends and family.  

 

Picture this, we are sitting around the dinner table, someone has had a bad day and they need to let off steam and express how they feel wronged, or frustrated.  I jump in and say. ‘See it from the other’s perspective’, or ‘It could be worse, at least you have …’. Yes I may well be speaking with good intention, trying to diffuse their frustrations, to weave in some mindfulness wisdom, but that is not what they need in that moment. 

What they need is to feel heard

My ‘just trying to help’ positive reaction has the impact of belittling their emotions, they feel I am judging their emotions as negative and feel they cannot express themselves freely, so they shut down. I miss the opportunity to actually help.

So how can we help?

We see someone’s distress and we automatically want to help them feel better. We may see their anger building and want to stop their negative thoughts spiralling out of control. We may also feel uncomfortable with their emotions and want to diffuse the situation for everyone, including ourselves.

 

But, I have come to learn that in these moments, the best thing to do is listen. To notice with curiosity our own reactions. I may be bustling with ideas of how to help, but for now, the most important thing is for them to feel safe to express their emotions in all of their vibrant colours and energy and for them to be accepted, not judged (other core mindfulness attitudes).

A compassionate response

Of course, holding gentle compassion towards them can help calm the atmosphere saying, ‘I’m here for you’, or ‘I can see how that must have been tough for you.’  Encouraging them to bring a sense of compassion towards themselves too can help to soothe their strong emotions. 

 

Quite often when the situation has calmed, a sense of gratitude may naturally come and wow, how much more powerful that is to be realised within themselves, rather than being told how to feel.  It is then, at this point, that we can offer support with further mindful wisdom, but only when they are open to receiving this. How do we know they are ready? Well, we can ask, ‘Would you like to know my ideas?’ They may well say, ‘No’ and we can respect this. But if approached with compassion, positive conversations often flourish.

What if there is no gratitude to be found?

This is especially relevant in the world currently, when we witness suffering in different parts of the world. We can hardly comprehend how this suffering can occur, let alone how we can possibly find gratitude. However, mindfulness can help us to find comfort in the little moments, the love and kindness that overflows from people wanting to help. We may not always be able to directly stop suffering, but perhaps we can support from a distance, to be involved in projects raising awareness, even practices of sending kind thoughts can help us to feel that we are making a difference to the collective consciousness.

 

Kindness and gratitude spreads, it is a feeling that heals our hurts. Once we have experienced it ourselves, it is natural for us to want to share this with others. But it is all about timing.

Giving life a whistle

And so , perhaps once we have allowed ourselves to process our emotions fully, we may then feel ready to whistle along with the philosophy of Monty Python and create more space for gratitude to bloom, both within ourselves and in others around us.

 

“When you’re chewing on life’s gristle

Don’t grumble, give a whistle

And this’ll help things turn out for the best

And

Always look on the bright side of life”

  • Monty Python (Life of Brian)

With love

Sarah x